I’m sick of fake Hemingways.

No, I’m not talking about those bearded guys who impersonate Papa on Duval Street in Key West and let tourists buy them beer. Those guys I have no beef with.

Beware: Fake Hemingways don't always sport a white beard.

Beware: Fake Hemingways don't always sport a white beard.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My fake Hemingways are harder to spot.

These are men who want to model their lives after the patterns of men like Hemingway, Jack Kerouac, Hunter S. Thompson and the like. They see themselves as romantic figures, destined to travel the world alone having exciting adventures and escaping the mind-numbing traps of the bourgeois life. And there’s usually plenty of sex, drugs and alcohol to fuel things along.

(Side note: I often hear people talk about how drugs/alcohol fueled these guys’ creativity. But I wonder how much more great literature they could have written if they hadn’t had drug/alcohol problems. Ex: John Updike.)

But unlike Hemingway and his ilk, these guys aren’t living the bohemian lifestyle. They’re as weighed down as the tray of an obese person at an all-you-can-eat buffet. They have 40-hour work weeks, 401-ks, health insurance, car payments and steady girlfriends.

Yep, you guessed it. ‘Steady girlfriends’ is where my frustration begins.

Take my friend Marissa who’s been dating her own fake Hemingway for three years. She didn’t realize she had a Hemingway at first. They both loved to travel. They both had steady jobs. They both liked going out, partying with friends and spending time with their families. She thought she’d found the ideal match.

Then 18 months in, Marissa found out he never wanted to get married or have children because those things would tie him down. They would keep him from living a fulfilling life in which he could wander the world, experience things and not be responsible or beholden to anyone.

The problem? Even when he was single he didn’t live that lifestyle. His life – with or without Marissa – changed little. So is the wanderlust just a front to keep marriage at bay? Or do these men have a genuine disconnect between what they say they want and what they actually do?

I’ve meant a few genuine Hemingways, and I have no problem with them. There’s the Aussie I met in Vienna who’d been traveling for five years straight and was planning to go home “soon” – i.e. after a year-long trip through Africa. Or the boat captain/guitarist with a Jimmy Buffet face who’s never with the same woman twice. 

You don’t seriously date those men if you want a commitment. You know better. Their lives are truth in advertising and I always appreciate honesty.

But there’s something sneaky about the fake Hemingways. Either they’re not living up to their potential or they’re hiding behind a romantic ideal that they don’t have the courage to live out. Unfortunately it’s the women who fall in love with them that often end up getting hurt.

Don’t worry, I’m not just picking on the guys. Coming soon: a discussion about the woman who wants it all — the fancy house, the big salary, the ideal family — but only if her hubby is paying.

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