My life is in transition again. In the last few weeks I have picked up the life I made in one state and moved it wholesale to another state where I know almost no one. Yet again.

My family was generous enough to help me move and as I watched them pull away, I had tears in my eyes. I always cry when I say goodbye to people I love but this time it was more than those pangs of separation sadness. I was sad about being alone. Yet again.

I’d spent the last couple weeks at my parents’ house where I got used to always having people around. Before that I was surrounded by friends and never had to be alone unless I wanted to. And now I was really alone.

I hate being really alone.

The last time I did this was when I graduated from college and moved out of state to start a new job. I knew no one in my new town but instead of feeling lonely I was excited. I had low moments, sure, but this was a big adventure. This was what I was supposed to be doing now – striking out on my own, ready to test myself against the world and make my dreams come true. Having a boyfriend in the wings would have been like cheating.

But now, five years later, I’m starting grad school and it doesn’t feel like a free-wheeling adventure anymore. I wonder if there’s something wrong with me that I haven’t put down more roots by this point in my life. I didn’t have a house to sell, a boyfriend/fiancé/husband to bring along or even a dog/cat/fish to consider.

It was relatively easy to pick up my life and change it. Which was good and bad. What does it say about the last five years that all I have to show for it is a sleeper couch, a laptop and two bedroom sets? Sure, I have friends and work experiences and life experiences that I carry with me. But when you get down to it, I haven’t tied my life to anything significant. I used to think that was a benefit. But, as I fall asleep in my too-quiet apartment, I have to wonder if it is.

I realize my last post was full of piss and vinegar and pride for the fact that I hadn’t compromised my life for a less-than-ideal man. What can I say? I’m still glad I’m not chained to an anchor. But it’s much easier to feel strong when you aren’t staring “alone” in the face.

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